Just Jokes!

There is a girl and she has a very forgetful memory. On day her father asks her to go down to the chemist and buy him a box of strepsills. The girl walks down saying “Strepsills, strepsills, strepsills.” She trips over a rock, “Sexpills, sexpills, sexpills.” She walks into the chemist and asks the attendant for some sexpills for her father. The attendant gives them to her and says, “Your father must take 1 every 24 hours!” The girl walks back down the street again saying 1 every 24 hours, 1 every 24 hours.” She trips over another rock, “24 every hour, 24 every hour, 24 every hour.” She gets back home and gives them to her dad. The next day the girl is walking back down the street to the chemist. The same attendant is there. She asks, “How is your father this morning?” The girl answers, “Well, my mother has tummy sores, my sister is pregnant, my brother has bottom sores, the dog is dead, and dad is chasing the cat.”

There is a guy, and he thinks his wife is having an affair with the postman, so he buys a wingless parrot, but only has a really long dick. When his wife goes to do some “ shopping ” the guy lets the parrot go. A few hours later, the parrot comes back, the guy asks, “Well, what happened?” The parrot answers, “Bawk, bawk.” The guy says, “She picked him up, then what? The parrot answers, “Bawk, bawk.” The guy says, “They got to his house and went in, then what?” The parrot answers, “Bawk, Bawk.” The guy answers, “They got undressed, then what?” The parrot answers, “Bawk, bawk.” The guy says, “What do you mean you don't know?” The parrot answers, “Bawk, bawk.” They guy says, “What do you mean you got a stiffy and fell out of the tree?”

A man is out running on the beach, and he hears the sound of a woman crying, so he runs in that direction. He sees a lady crying, and asks, “Why are you crying?” The lady answers, “I have no arms and no legs and I have never been hugged before.” The man bends down smiling and hugs her. He then runs off. The next day, the same man is running along the same beach, until he hears the sound of a lady crying, so he runs in that direction. He sees a lady crying, he asks, “Why are you crying again?” The lady answers, “I have no arms and no legs and I have never been kissed before.” The man smiling warmly and bends down and kisses her on the lips, then runs off. The next day, the same man is running along the same beach, until he hears the sound of a lady crying, so he runs in that direction. He sees a lady crying, he asks, “What, I've hugged you, kissed you, now what?” The lady answers, “I have no arms and no legs and I have never been fucked before.” The man bends down with an evil smile on his face. He picks up the lady and throws her in the ocean and says, “There, now you're fucked!”

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the barkeeper what'' it for. The barkeeper replies, “I have a donkey outside, if you can make it laugh, you get all the money.” The guy gets up, puts $50 on the counter, walks outside, then walks but inside. The donkey is laughing its ass off. He takes the money and leaves. The same guy walks into the same bar and sees the same jar of money on the counter. He asks the barkeeper what's it for. The barkeeper answers, “I have a donkey outside that won't stop laughing, if you can make it stop laughing, you get the money.” The guy gets up. Put $50 on the counter, walks outside, then walks back in. The donkey is crying. The barkeeper asks, “How the fuck did you do that?” The guy answers, “ The first time I said I had a bigger dick, the second time I proved it!”

I don't drive in circles, at any cost, I can admit when I am lost, I shave my legs, sit down to pee, I can justify any shopping spree, Not to a barber but a beauty salon, I can get a massage without a hard-on Let me tell you men, listen to me boys, those things in your pants that you treat like toys, you love them more than we ever will, we'd rather suck on a cold pickled dill. I spend 2 hours preparing for a date, only to find that you're 2 hours late, I don't watch movies with a whole lot of gore, I don't need instant replay to remember the score, I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch, and just 'cuz I'm assertive don't call me a bitch. I don't go to Sears to look at the tools, I don't have to cheat to win at poker, I follow the rules I never smoke any cigars, I don't have to pay for my drinks at the bars, I don't punch my friends, just to say hi, and it is okay for me to cry, I know all you men just think that you're IT but compared to a woman, you just ain't SHIT !!!!!

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. " 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor is because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared --her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lyin on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...

When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be the Boss. The Brain said, “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be Boss”. The Hand said, “Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be Boss”. The Eyes said, “Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where the danger lurks, I should be Boss.” And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, the Feet, the Lungs, and finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded to be the Boss. All other parts laughed at the idea of the Asshole being Boss. The Asshole was so enraged that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak, the Hands hung limply at the side, the Heart and Lungs struggled just to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to let the Asshole be Boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the Asshole just bossed around and passed out a lot of shit. The Moral of the story: You don't have to be a brain to be the boss. You just have to be an asshole.

and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your dicks back. After about a week Mr. Monkey stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Monkey got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" and out went Mr. Monkey. This went on every day until Mrs. Monkey got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Monkey with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I got the donkey's receipt !!!"

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, 'In my family, we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes for you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.' The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my turn to kick you.' The Scotsman said, 'Keep the damn egg.'

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world. The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

A man with a 50 inch long dick goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell me that my dick is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my dick is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it." The man uncoils his 50 inch rod. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your dick will be ten inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog, "will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO". The man looked down and suddenly his dick was 10 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his dick, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked

A group of business professionals enjoyed happy hours a couple days a week in an upscale bar in the financial district. One of them had a secret ambition to become a magician. No one would take him seriously and would poke fun at him, "how's your magic coming?" "I'm working on some things" would be his confident reply. Suddenly the wanna-be magician doesn't show for happy hour. And again and again he didn't show. This began to worry his friends so they agreed to go look for him if he misses the next one. Several days later they were just about to look for their missing friend when in he walks to the bar. "What, been busy with your magic?" they teased. To their astonishment, the guy pulls a miniature man out of his pocket and puts it on the table. "Wow, that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen, I can patent that" says the lawyer. That wasn't all. The magician next pulls out a tiny piano and the miniature man started playing the miniature piano. "You will make millions and I will handle

A man was screwing his wife and wasn’t enjoying it, nor was she, their sex life has been horrible for a while. After sex he leaves and goes for a walk, on his walk he ponders by the park and sits on the bench. While he is sitting a guy comes over and sits down beside him. He looks at this guy who just sat down by him and asks him curiously, "Not to be rude, but are you a leprechaun?" he asked. The guy said "Well don’t I look like one?" He replies with "Well if you are, then that means you have to grant me a wish." The leprechaun says "Yes I do, what is your wish?" "Well me and my wife are having a horrible sex life, how about you make my dick bigger so it could be better?" The leprechaun says "Sure, but for this to happen you must butt fuck me" "Okay, I’m okay with that" He butt fucks him for a while and finishes up he looks at the man and says "Well when am I gonna get my bigger dick, a year, a month, a day, when?" The leprechaun says "Well sir, how old are you? He replies "I’m 38" The little man says "And you still believe in leprechauns?"

Yes father. That's no reason for calling him a son of a bitch. But father he also touched my breasts. You mean like this?? He touches her breasts. Yes father. That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. But father, he took off my clothes. Like this?? He takes off her clothes. Yes father. That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where. Like this?? He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where. Yes father, she says sometime later, after catching her breath. But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch. But father, he has AIDS. "That son of a bitch!"

since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says 'What do you want?' The man says 'I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight' The old Chinese man says 'I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter' The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying 'I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning' The old Chinese man counters 'Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man.' 'Ok, Ok' the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, 'Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.' Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying '1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest'. 'What a lame torture test' the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying '2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle'. The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying '3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost'.

shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, 'This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances.' The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

On this morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." "You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him." You're right sir I think I will report him. The elderly man says" you go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. They just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book." "How current is your copy?" he asks. "I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?" "I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet." "I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. "So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!" St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" "About three minutes ago."

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord." "Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"