Just Jokes 2

Bu, Chu and Fu, immigrated to the U.S. from China. The decided to ` Americanise ' their names. Bu became Buck. Chu became Chuck. And Fu had to go back to China.

What are five reasons for not wanting to be an egg:

1 - You only get laid once.

2 - You only get eaten out once.

3 - Seven minutes until you go hard.

4 - You come in a box with 11 other guys.

5 - The only thing that sits on your face is your mother.

How can you tell a woman is about to say something intelligent?

When she starts with the words ` He Said. '

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

The whore sleeps with everyone, the bitch sleeps with everyone but you.

If you stand in a library and scream, people just look at you. If you do the same thing on a plane, everyone joins in.

Don't feel sorry for Monica, she'll be back on her knees in no time.

A guy has a small dick. He also has a magic mirror. He asks the mirror, “Mirror, mirror, grant my wish.” The mirror glows. The guy asks, “Make my dick touch the floor.” The mirror glows again, and the guy passes out. When he awakes, not only his dick is touching the floor, it's decapitated on it.

The devil has having a party right next to heaven, and the fence that divides heaven and hell, is knocked over. God walks over to the devil and says, “You better fix this gate!” The devil smiles evilly. The next day, the fence is 3 feet inwards of heaven then it was the day before. God is pissed off, he storms up to the devil, which is leaning on the fence, and he says, “Put it back were it belongs, or I'm taking you to court.” The devil smiles evilly again, leans over into heaven and says, “And where are you going to find a lawyer?”

How many sexy girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If your in the dark, why mess with the lights?

How many UCLA alumni does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to crack the whip and make all his bitches do it for him.

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb for a women?

Screw that, let the bitch fuck the cat.

1 - Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2 - The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3 - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk bottles, that's the time to do It.

4 - Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5 - No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6 - Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7 - Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8 - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9 - It is far more impressive when others discover your qualities without your help.

10 - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11 - Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13 - Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14 - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15 - Don't squat with your spurs on.

16 - If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17 - If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18 - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19 - Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20 - Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

21 - The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22 - Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23 - A closed mouth gathers no foot.

24 - Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25 - There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26 - Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

1 - Say COW before each word:

2 - Say COW after each word:

3 - Say COW before and after each word:

4 - Start at the bottom and read the words upwards:

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day, Anal sex makes your hole weak.

Every week the teacher gave her students an exceptionally hard question to answer. Since the question was given on a Thursday, the reward for getting it right was permission to skip school the next day, giving them an extra long weekend. No one in the class had ever gotten one of these tough questions right. (An example of one of her questions is: How many grains of sand are in the sahara desert?) One day a boy from the class was outside for recess, playing in the bushes. He discovered two black, rubber balls. He had no idea what they were for, so he just shoved them into his pocket. When recess was over, everyone gathered for the new question of the week. The teacher began to write it on the board. The boy grabbed the balls from his pocket and threw them at the teacher, hitting her in the back of the head! Astonished, the teacher turned around and

yelled, "Who's the comedian with the two black balls? " The boy then said, "Bill Cosby. See ya next week."

A kindergarden teacher was playing a game with her class. "Now kids," she started, "I am going to hide something behind my back and I will give you clues. I want you to guess what I am hiding." She takes the first object and hides it behind her back, "Now what I have is round but not too round and it's orange but not too orange. Can anybody tell me what it is?" Little Suzie raises her hand and asks, "Is it an orange?" "No," says the teacher, "it's a tangerine, but you're thinking and I like that."

She then hides another object and says, "Now what I have is red but not too red, and it's round too but not too round. Can

anybody tell me what it is?" Little Rachel raises her hand and asks, "Is it an apple?" "No," says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but you're thinking and I like that." Little Billy can't resist and raises his hand, "Can I play? Please let me hide something, PLEASE." The teacher says that he can try so he takes his hand and reaches way down deep in his pocket. "Now what I have is long but not too long and it's got a pink tip but not too pink," grins Billy broadly. The teachers face turns three shades of red and she screams, "Billy sit down this instant. I am going to call your mother." Billy just smiles and pulls his hand out of his pocket. "It's a pencil, but you're thinking and I like that."

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

1 - If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2 - If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3 - If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4 - This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice asks, "What are you wearing?"

5 - Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. - Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. - If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8 - If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9 - After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. - Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11 - Answer the phone. As soon as you realise it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12 - Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13 - Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinnertime, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15 - Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16 - Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17 - Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.


	Just Jokes PG2 Previous - Jokes Home - Next Bu, Chu and Fu, immigrated to the U.S. from China. The decided to ` Americanise ' their names. Bu became Buck. Chu became Chuck. And Fu had to go back to China. What are five reasons for not wanting to be an egg: 1 - You only get laid once. 2 - You only get eaten out once. 3 - Seven minutes until you go hard. 4 - You come in a box with 11 other guys. 5 - The only thing that sits on your face is your mother. How can you tell a woman is about to say something intelligent? When she starts with the words ` He Said. ' What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? The whore sleeps with everyone, the bitch sleeps with everyone but you. If you stand in a library and scream, people just look at you. If you do the same thing on a plane, everyone joins in. Don't feel sorry for Monica, she'll be back on her knees in no time. A guy has a small dick. He also has a magic mirror. He asks the mirror, “Mirror, mirror, grant my wish.” The mirror glows. The guy asks, “Make my dick touch the floor.” The mirror glows again, and the guy passes out. When he awakes, not only his dick is touching the floor, it's decapitated on it. The devil has having a party right next to heaven, and the fence that divides heaven and hell, is knocked over. God walks over to the devil and says, “You better fix this gate!” The devil smiles evilly. The next day, the fence is 3 feet inwards of heaven then it was the day before. God is pissed off, he storms up to the devil, which is leaning on the fence, and he says, “Put it back were it belongs, or I'm taking you to court.” The devil smiles evilly again, leans over into heaven and says, “And where are you going to find a lawyer?” How many sexy girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? If your in the dark, why mess with the lights? How many UCLA alumni does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to crack the whip and make all his bitches do it for him. How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb for a women? Screw that, let the bitch fuck the cat. 1 - Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone. 2 - The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. 3 - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk bottles, that's the time to do It. 4 - Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5 - No one is listening until you make a mistake. 6 - Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 7 - Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 8 - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 9 - It is far more impressive when others discover your qualities without your help. 10 - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 11 - Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 12 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 13 - Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 14 - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 15 - Don't squat with your spurs on. 16 - If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 17 - If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 18 - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 19 - Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 20 - Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 21 - The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 22 - Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 23 - A closed mouth gathers no foot. 24 - Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 25 - There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 26 - Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 1 - Say COW before each word: Cows About Talking Idiot Stupid This Got I Long How Look 2 - Say COW after each word: Cows About Talking Idiot Stupid This Got I Long How Look 3 - Say COW before and after each word: Cows About Talking Idiot Stupid This Got I Long How Look 4 - Start at the bottom and read the words upwards: Cows About Talking Idiot Stupid This Got I Long How Look What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your whole day, Anal sex makes your hole weak. Every week the teacher gave her students an exceptionally hard question to answer. Since the question was given on a Thursday, the reward for getting it right was permission to skip school the next day, giving them an extra long weekend. No one in the class had ever gotten one of these tough questions right. (An example of one of her questions is: How many grains of sand are in the sahara desert?) One day a boy from the class was outside for recess, playing in the bushes. He discovered two black, rubber balls. He had no idea what they were for, so he just shoved them into his pocket. When recess was over, everyone gathered for the new question of the week. The teacher began to write it on the board. The boy grabbed the balls from his pocket and threw them at the teacher, hitting her in the back of the head! Astonished, the teacher turned around and yelled, "Who's the comedian with the two black balls? " The boy then said, "Bill Cosby. See ya next week." A kindergarden teacher was playing a game with her class. "Now kids," she started, "I am going to hide something behind my back and I will give you clues. I want you to guess what I am hiding." She takes the first object and hides it behind her back, "Now what I have is round but not too round and it's orange but not too orange. Can anybody tell me what it is?" Little Suzie raises her hand and asks, "Is it an orange?" "No," says the teacher, "it's a tangerine, but you're thinking and I like that." She then hides another object and says, "Now what I have is red but not too red, and it's round too but not too round. Can anybody tell me what it is?" Little Rachel raises her hand and asks, "Is it an apple?" "No," says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but you're thinking and I like that." Little Billy can't resist and raises his hand, "Can I play? Please let me hide something, PLEASE." The teacher says that he can try so he takes his hand and reaches way down deep in his pocket. "Now what I have is long but not too long and it's got a pink tip but not too pink," grins Billy broadly. The teachers face turns three shades of red and she screams, "Billy sit down this instant. I am going to call your mother." Billy just smiles and pulls his hand out of his pocket. "It's a pencil, but you're thinking and I like that." 70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof the light goes on, when I'm done poof the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through poof the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" 1 - If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2 - If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . " 3 - If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4 - This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice asks, "What are you wearing?" 5 - Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. - Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. - If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" 8 - If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" 9 - After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. - Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. 11 - Answer the phone. As soon as you realise it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up. 12 - Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. 13 - Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinnertime, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15 - Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16 - Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17 - Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.