Just Jokes PG3
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
What's the speed of dark?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
If a tree falls on a mime in the forest, does anyone care?
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?' - George Carlin
Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Why doesn't DOS ever say: EXCELLENT command or filename!
If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?
What year did Jesus think it was?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Is there another word for synonym?
If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of
the black box?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?
What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty
to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Does a person ever get sick without being tired?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If a cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship,
it's called cargo?
Why is it that when you are on the telephone, writing furiously and holding a finger up to tell the person
who just came into your office to hold on a second, they ask: Do you have a minute?
Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?
Why do doctors call what they do practice?
How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
Is a metaphor like a simile?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?
Why are haemorrhoids called 'haemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of
them?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can someone draw a blank?
How can there be self-help GROUPS?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think
you'll tell them so?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
Why do they call it life insurance?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things
on the ground in close-up?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?
How do you remove a club soda stain?
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there,
staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 'ups'?
Where do flys go when it rains?
Why Do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How much would they pay the matador if the bull had no horns?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why is there only one monopolies and mergers commission?
If you get wrapping paper for a present, how do you know when to stop unwrapping?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?
If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How can something be 'new and improved'? If it's new what was it improving on?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?
Who's cruel idea was is to put the 's' in lisp?
After heat killed bad germs, where do they go? Obviously not in heaven, since they've been bad. Surely
then can't go to hell, for the heat would kill them again(?)...
How can you be ALONE with somebody? Think about it...
Does Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor?
Why did Mr. & Mrs. Howell pack so much clothing for a three hour tour?
If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?
When it rains, how come cows don't knock on the farmer's door and say, "Hey, let us in, we're all
wearing leather out here!"
On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?
How came they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? - And if
so, aren't we all masochists?
Why does the waiter always come to ask you how your meal is just as you've put food in your mouth?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners
depressed?
Is Lever 2000 soap Y2K compliant?
May I refuse to inherit the earth?
How come on the show 'Family Matters' two of the kids just disappeared... they were there one season
and gone the next... makes you wonder if family really does matter? --And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?
--Do I look like a fucking people person?
--This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
--I started out with nothin and I still have most of it left.
--I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
--Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.
--If I throw a stick will you leave??
--YOU!.... Off my planet!
--If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.
--Does your train of thought have a caboose?
--The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
--Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
--Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
--Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.
--A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.
--Whatever look you were going for, you missed.
--Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .
--See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
--Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.
--I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.
--I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
--Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
--Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
--It's not the size that counts... no wait, it's the size!
--A woman's favourite position is CEO
--I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
--A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
--Stress is when you wake up screaming and realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.
--I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
--Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
--Too many freaks not enough circuses.
--Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
--Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
--Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
--I plead contemporary insanity.
--And which dwarf are you?