Just Jokes PG4
The lights are on but no one's home.
She has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He's as sharp as a beach ball.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
I would engage you in a battle of wits but I refuse to duel with an unarmed person.
He's not playing with a full deck, and the cards he does have are rather shuffled!
The proctologist called... they found your head.
His elevator doesn't go to the top.
She's a few fries short of a happy meal.
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. - L. Atkinson
Oh Dear! Looks like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!
The wheel is still spinning, but the hamster is dead...
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
She's depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're a jerk.
Your about as slow as a turtle crawling through peanut butter.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.
If things get better with age, he's approaching magnificent!
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes...
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the JuneFlower.
When you say that your troubles are as great as my own, that may be true. But consider the fact that
mine happen to me while yours merely happen to you.
The engine is running but there's nobody at the wheel.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Her best friend once sent her a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On
the back it said: Wish you were here. Don't go away mad, just go away!
You couldn't get a clue during the clue-mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
We've upped Our Quality, So Up Yours!
Just because your head is pointed doesn't mean you're sharp.
Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?
May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful.
You're about as bright as a burned out light bulb in a dark room.
He's about as exciting as my wall.
They say that only nice people go to heaven, so be nice, or go to hell.
You give superficial a bad name. - Byron Alley
A chat with you, and death loses its sting!
If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt & teach it to walk backwards!
Your sister didn't get beat with the ugly stick. The whole tree fell on her!
What is your worst sin? My vanity. I spend hours before the mirror admiring my beauty. That isn't vanity, dear, that's imagination.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you?
Her face was her chaperone. Ouch!
You have the people skills of a belt sander!
Here's a Quarter, call somebody who cares.
When he came to the fountain of knowledge, he merely gargled.
Why are you here, and what can I do to change that?
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.
His IQ is 2 (it takes 3 to grunt)
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Her slinky's kinked.
I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.
You may have a point there, but if you part your hair different, no one would see.
You're more unprepared than a vegetarian at a state barbecue.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet its hard to pronounce!
It's hard to believe you out-swam a million other sperm.
You would be out of your depth in a parking lot puddle
I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story...
You're a few Bradys short of a bunch
He's says he lives by his wits. He's half right...
Hey, I don't know if you're aware but, there are these two things you can put together and use
everyday to make people around you smile... they're called, SOAP AND WATER!
Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.
His brain rattles around his head like a pea in a boxcar.
He's not the cookie with the most chocolate chips.
He's about as subtle as a chainsaw, but lacking the social grace.
We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
More Pickup Lines
1 - Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money?
2 - Just approach the woman, don't say anything and read the tag on the collar of her shirt. When
she asks what you are doing, just say "I'm checking to see if you're made in heaven."
3 - Nice legs what time do they open!!
4 - If you were a tear in my eye... I'd never cry, for fear that I'd lose you!
5 - (Look into her eyes and say) Heaven needs to check their list because they have to be missing
an angel.
6 - "You look like my first wife." When they say, 'how many times have you been married', you
say, " None yet "
7 - Walk up to a girl and start rubbing her back When she asks what you are doing, answer, kind
of disappointed: I thought angels had wings.
8 - Is your daddy a thief? (Why?) Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your
eyes.
9 - Do you believe in love at first site, or do I have to walk by again?
10 - Would you like to dance? [she says "no"] No, you must have misunderstood me, I SAID, you
look fat in those pants!
11 - Is that a mirror in your pocket, because I can see myself in your pants.
12 - Do you know the difference between a Big Mac and a BlowJob? [No] What are you doing
for lunch tomorrow?
13 - God must be crying right now. [Why?] Because he just lost a angel.
14 - If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg was New Years. I want to see you between
the holidays!
15 - Have you ever been kissed on the navel? [Yes!] From the inside?
16 - If I followed you home would you keep me?
17 - Hi there, do you live on a chicken farm? 'Cause you sure know how to raise cocks!
18 - What do you say we do some math? Let's add you and me together, subtract our clothes,
divide your legs, and multiply!
19 - I've spent all these years trying to get into women's pants... I just wish I knew how to get into
their hearts.
20 - Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of
my dreams.
21 - The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
(i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get
cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with
numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out
loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about
what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't
understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell
are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question.
For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.
Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say
"They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into
the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say
you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science
exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to
you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the
exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage
of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy
it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple-choice exam, spell
out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc...).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!"
and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's
done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should
start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory
tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start
yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the
instructor would recognise you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for
your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to
waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for
you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the
Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi
and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is
needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a
calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the
exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, and ask for the answer. Try to
work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small
sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes
throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me
think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on
musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
