Just Jokes 5

20 Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "may I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there.

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbour's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."

14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologise profusely and blame it on the fettuccine Alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free or Free Willy!”

THIS IS FOR ALL MEN!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.

The lineage is finally revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of

Needeep N. Schitt Inc.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holly Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her

kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Family History Recorded By Crock O. Schitt :-)

Due to increasing products liability litigation, liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your Friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can Logically converse with other members of the opposite s e x without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have Mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your arse kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over In the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of Inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you

want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice

will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you

press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

16- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

17- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

18- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

19- The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bertthe cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a WonderfulLife."

20- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

21- A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.

22- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

23- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

24- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

25- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

26- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

27- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

28- The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

29- A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

30- A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

31- Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honor of his brother. It is also misspelled on his tomb stone.

32- Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

33- More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

34- Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

35- Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."

36- Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.

37- If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

38- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

39- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

40- The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

41- The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.

42- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

43- The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

44- A snail can sleep for 3 years.

45- American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olivefrom each salad served in first-class.

46- The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

47- Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.

48- "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

49- No president of the United states was an only child. And last and definitely most important:

50- The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate

10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima

9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer

8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein

7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso

6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagorus

5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!"---JFK

1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton

Bizarre facts of this world

*In Saudi Arabia, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be male. Having sexual relations with a female animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

*In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

*Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

*The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (One must wonder which head?)

*There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

*Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

*In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?. Not as great as Guam!)

*If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

*If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

*A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

*Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing)

*Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

*The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? Did the govt. pay for this research??)

*Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

*Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez!! Who's the fucker that put that in here??)

*An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

*Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

*After reading all these, all I can say is.......LUCKY GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKEN PIGS!!!

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on.

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. "I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies. "Where do you think you're going?" he asks. "I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a blowjob there." The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes. "What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks. "I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on nothing a year!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of atrain, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."The man leans out and with a glint in his eye and says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married" "Why not", giggles the woman. "Good", he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!"

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them. St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?!!!" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."


	Just Jokes PG6 Previous - Jokes Home - Next 20 Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "may I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get in there. 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbour's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" 11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'" 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now." 14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologise profusely and blame it on the fettuccine Alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 17. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free or Free Willy!” THIS IS FOR ALL MEN!! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe. WHO IS JACK SCHITT? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holly Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Family History Recorded By Crock O. Schitt :-) Due to increasing products liability litigation, liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your Friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can Logically converse with other members of the opposite s e x without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have Mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your arse kicked. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over In the morning and see something really scary. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of Inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal-retentive, please hold. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 16- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. 17- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. 18- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. 19- The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bertthe cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a WonderfulLife." 20- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. 21- A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds. 22- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 23- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. 24- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. 25- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. 26- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 27- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. 28- The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. 29- A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death. 30- A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. 31- Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honor of his brother. It is also misspelled on his tomb stone. 32- Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 33- More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. 34- Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. 35- Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump." 36- Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot. 37- If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. 38- Women blink nearly twice as much as men. 39- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. 40- The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language. 41- The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start. 42- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard. 43- The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. 44- A snail can sleep for 3 years. 45- American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olivefrom each salad served in first-class. 46- The electric chair was invented by a dentist. 47- Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres. 48- "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 49- No president of the United states was an only child. And last and definitely most important: 50- The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it. Top Ten Times In History when using the "F" word was appropriate 10) "What the &%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima 9) "Where did all these &%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer 8) "Any &%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein 7) "It does SO &%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso 6) "How the &%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagorus 5) "You want WHAT on the &%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo 4) "I don't suppose it's gonna &%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc 3) "Scattered &%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah 2) "I need this parade like I need a &%#ing hole in my head!"---JFK 1) "Aw, c'mon, who the &%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton Bizarre facts of this world In Saudi Arabia, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be male. Having sexual relations with a female animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (One must wonder which head?) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?. Not as great as Guam!) If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? Did the govt. pay for this research??) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez!! Who's the fucker that put that in here??) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too) After reading all these, all I can say is.......LUCKY GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKEN PIGS!!! Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. "I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies. "Where do you think you're going?" he asks. "I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a blowjob there." The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes. "What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks. "I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on nothing a year!" A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of atrain, after the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."The man leans out and with a glint in his eye and says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married" "Why not", giggles the woman. "Good", he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!" The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them. St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks The Queen the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?!!!" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."