Just For Jokes PG6
Two guys are walking down the street. They pass a dog licking his testicles on the side of the road. One guy says to the other, "You know I would sure like to be able to do that." The other guy says "You probably could but I'd pat him first".
A man goes out hunting for his families dinner one night. He comes home with a big beautiful deer. So that night the man, along with his wife, son, and two daughters sit down to dinner. After dinner, one of the daughters walks into the living room to find the mother sitting on the sofa. The daughter sits down to tell her mother that, when she had just gone to the bathroom, she pissed out a bee-bee. The mother said, that that was just from when her father shot the deer. A bit later the second daughter came into the living room to tell her mother the same thing her sister had. Later the son came in, and sat down next to his mother. The son said, "Mom, I have a problem. "The mother said, "Wait a second, you just went to the bathroom, and pissed out a bee-bee. "The son replied, "No, I was just out on the porch, beating off, and I shot the dog."
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, 'If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!'
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, 'How much for a ride to the airport?' he asked. 'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply. 'And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'
'What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked 'How much for a ride to the airport?'
The cabby replied, 'fifteen bucks.' The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.
As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
The old farmer goes to town and buys a new young rooster. He brings it home and looses it into the hen house. The young rooster struts around a while catching the eye of all the hens. The old rooster has been watching this and after a while he calls the young one over. "I'll do you a deal, you can have all the hens you want, just leave me one OK?" The young one says, "Forget it old man, you'll be roasted soon, don't bother" "So you think," said the old rooster, "I'll bet you I can beat you any day" "You gotta be kidding" say the young one. "Tell you what" the old rooster says " I'll challenge you to a race. One lap around the house. If I win I get to keep my favorite hen, you win you get everything. "The young rooster considers this a while and says, "OK, and I'll even give you a head start" So the race is on, the old rooster takes off and a few second later the young one sets off inpursuit. As they get around the front of the house the old rooster starts to squark and make all kinds of noise. The farmer, who is sitting on the front porch looks up, sighs picks up his shotgun and blows the young rooster away. As he cleans up the mess he says to his wife, "You know, thats the third poofter rooster I had to shoot this week!"
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house!
I live in New York, I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.
I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the electric chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Two guys in a life raft in the middle of the ocean. One sees an old bottle floating. He pick sit up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "For letting me out, I will grant you one wish. "The guy says, (without thinking) "Turn this ocean into beer". And the ocean turns into the best beer anybody has ever tasted. The second guy says to the first, "You mother fucking idiot, now we'll have to piss in the mother fucken boat".
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money
It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. 'Only twenty years of normal sex life?' but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. 'But I don't need twenty years', he protested, 'ten is plenty for me.' Man spoke up eagerly, 'Can I have the other ten?' The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, 'Can I have the other ten?' The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient and again man pleaded, 'Can I have the other ten?' The donkey said yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman. The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both. The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both. Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both. The boy then asks "Father, is Michael Jackson God?"
There are 3 women sitting in a bar. Suddenly they start talking about how loose they are. The first one says, "I'm so loose that my boyfriend can stick his whole fist up mine!" The second one says, " Oh, yeah? Well, my boyfriend can stick both of his fists up mine!" The first and the second look over at the third and say, "Well, what about you?" Then the third one just smiles as she slides down the barstool.
How to impress a woman: compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her.
How to impress a man: Show up naked! Bring a tequila!
Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly." The blonde leaned over and said "Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg."
What if men & women swapped genitals!
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a Ping-Pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic examined ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...
And, The Number One thing men would do if they woke-up with a vagina....
1. Finally find that damned G-spot!
The top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blowjob.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently,
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, The Number One thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9!
What do a blonde and a shotgun have in common? Give them a cock, and they'll blow.
Top 5 signs your kids have been watching too much 'Jerry Springer.'
5. You find out your lover has been sleeping with your best friend.
4. Math: C- History: D+ English: F Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: AA+
3. Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair over your head.
2. Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for Cabbage Patch Kids.
1. During that "little talk" with Junior, you' refused to admit that you don't know if hermaphrodites are "birds" or "bees."
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis. The owner agreed and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great and he paid for the service. That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his new tattoo. He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?" She said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry...and now you are going to put words in my mouth!?!?!"
The seven most important men in a blonde's life:
1. Dentist: Because he says, "Open wide"
2. Doctor: Take off your clothes.
3. Milkman: Do you want it in the front or back?
4. Hairdresser: Do you want it teased or blown?
5. Interior Designer: Once it's in, you'll love it
6. Banker: If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest.
7. Hunter: Always goes deep in the bush, always shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
End racism - kill everyone.
A father asked his young son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the boy exploded, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked the youngster what was wrong. Oh pop," the boy sobbed, "for me there was no Santa clause at age six, no Easter bunny at age seven, no tooth fairy at age eight and no stork at ten. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple no pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore it's paradoxes, we find that quick sand can work slowly, boxing ringside square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't finger, grocers don't grouse and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So on emoose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you combat through annals of history but not a single anal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher spraught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you rote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horse ful carriage or a strap ful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE springing chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt afly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacyof a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I windup my watch, I start it, but when I windup this essay, I end it.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for his checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so that you can serve him a well balanced meal. Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so that he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs." On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said. She replied, "He said that you're going to die."
So this lady is in the mall, and she's in the mood for some ice cream. She walks up to Baskin Robins and starts looking at the choices. "What can I get for you lady?" the Ice Cream Man asks. "Hmmm... how about a triple scoop of chocolate ice cream please," she says. "Oh I'm sorry lady, we just ran out of chocolate so can you please pick something else?" the ice cream man says. "Oh sure OK, let's see," the lady says, "OK how about making me a chocolate milkshake then." And the ice cream man says, "Lady I just told you I ran out of chocolate so I can't make you a chocolate milkshake. Would you like to try something else?" "Oh yeah, right OK," the lady says as she looks up and down the menu, "Alright then fix me up a chocolate float." So now the ice cream man is kind of irritated. He asks the lady, "Lady can you answer a few simple questions for me?" "Sure," she says. "OK," the ice cream man says, "How do you spell 'van' as in 'vanilla'?" "That's easy," she says "V-A-N" "Very good," the ice cream man says, "Now how do you spell 'straw' as in 'strawberry'?" "Oh that's S-T-R-A-W," the lady replies. "Great," the ice cream man says, "now how do you spell 'fuck' as in 'chocolate'?" And the lady stops and thinks for awhile with a puzzled look on her face. Finally she says, "Hey there is no 'fuck' in 'chocolate'." And the ice cream man quickly fires back, "That's what I've been trying to tell you lady! There is no fuckin' chocolate!"
'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook orby crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, Whoa Shit head, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamppost, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jocked, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile" He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention. A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!" M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy being confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy says "Mom what is a pussy." The mother being startled by this thinks puick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "son that is a pussy." The son then asked "what is a bitch?" The mother again thinking quick again opens up to a picture of a dog and says "son this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused sees his father watch television. The son walks up to his father says "Dad, What is a pussy?" The father does not want to miss the baseball game quickly whips out his penthouse magazine to the centerfold grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "son this is a pussy!" The son starts to understand what the older boys are talking about says "Well what is a bitch?" "That's everything out side the circle!"
What's the best thing about a blow job? Ten minutes of silence!
Q : What is the quickest way to clear the men's restroom? A : NICE DICK!
There was this really poor couple, a farmer and his wife. They were desperate for money so one day the wife sent the husband to town to sell one of their ducks. While in town, the farmer stops at a strip club. One of the strippers offers to take the duck in exchange for sex. The farmer agrees and they have sex. Afterwards, the stripper tells the farmer that she'll give the duck back if he'll do her again, and he agrees. Satisfied, the farmer walks out of the club, but the duck gets loose and gets splattered by a truck. T he driver feels bad and leaves the farmer a dollar. When the farmer got home the wife asked him what he got for the duck. To this he replied, "Well, I got a fuck for a duck, duck for a fuck, and a buck for a fucked up duck.
This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked the barman. "Well," the bullfrog replied, "you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass!"
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, 'I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.' The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, 'So, what's the catch?'
A carrot was talking to a pickle and a dick. The carrot says I have a hard life, people buy me and shave me and eat me. The pickle said oh yeah, I used to be a cucumber and they cooked me and flavored me and I can get eaten too! Oh yeah, says the dick, well I get a plastic bag over my head everyday and then they make me do pushups till I barf.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other jerk die for his.
Q: what's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog? A: at least when you're eating pussy, you can seethe asshole in front of you.
What are the three biggest lies told by men? 1. The check's in the mail. 2. I'm not married. 3. I won't come in your mouth..
When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it's research.
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between `POTENTIAL' and `REALITY'? His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. When your finished, come back an d tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your dad, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. `POTENTIALLY' we're sitting on two million bucks, but in `REALITY', we are living with a couple of whores."